In the thick of things...

Summer vacation is looming in the offing, and I'm at a loss for what to do with the kids. No, scratch that - I'm at a loss for what to do with one of the kids; kid #1 has been signed up for six weeks of weekday camp, 8:30-3:30 every day. Part of me feels bad for doing this - even though there's a good chance she'll love it - since it means (or seems to mean) that I'm failing to live up to my duties as a SAHM. I should love being with my kids 24 hours a day - right? Aren't I supposed to wake up in the morning with big plans for the day, involving a little education, a little fun, a little snuggling, and a lot of patience and calm understanding?

The fact of the matter is that I am so not that person. When I'm woken up earlier than I like (think 5:50 am, these days) by kids begging for food and TV, frequently arguing with each other when those things are not forthcoming in a timely manner, the last thing I think about is fun/educational/loving activities for the day. Mostly, I just fantasize about finding a quiet hiding place and hanging out there until they forget about me.

Sigh. Don't get me wrong (I know...the Internet was freaking made for "getting me wrong") - I really do love my babies, and I still kind of think of them as babies despite the fact that one turned 6 just yesterday (!!) and the other is pushing 4. They're funny, bright (more or less), energetic, lively, and they both have strong personalities that I think will eventually make them really interesting people. I still cry when I think about anything bad happening to them (and, by extension, every time I see or hear about something bad happening to another child - real or fictional - since it could so easily be one of mine).

It's just that...damn. The sheer energy involved, the persistence and single-mindedness of purpose (usually for evil, especially in the case of the boy), the sheer willfulness of those two just wears me down. Add that to my ongoing struggles as I try to transition from ABDdom to...whatever comes next and you have a recipe for one frazzled and not entirely enjoyable mom.