Checking In

I can't believe it's already July. Ever since I finished my dissertation and defended, the months have been whizzing by.

I'm still wandering around in a fog, trying to figure out what to do next. I've had a stumble or two along the way; in a fit of misdirected energy, I sent out a call for volunteer work to do. One person responded that they had a large document that needed some attention, and I enthusiastically declared my willingness to take it on. A month later, it turns out that it's a massive undertaking, that it's dredging up all kinds of collateral issues relating to procrastination, etc., and that taking care of the kids is just eating up many of my mental resources.

As a result, I emailed the guy a couple of days ago to explain where things stood, offering to complete it sometime in the fall if he can hold out that long. I haven't heard back from him, which leads me to believe I've irrevocably pissed him off. Fair enough; I hate offering to do things and then reneging on my commitments, and he has a right to be irritated. But I made a mistake in thinking I could handle it - I can do the work itself, but I just don't have the time and energy reserves to make it happen. I'd just as soon not string him along indefinitely instead, so being upfront about what was happening seemed to be the right thing to do.

In general, I've been living in a bit of an academic black hole, lately. It's making me wonder if the universe isn't telling me to get out, now.

For a new model of domesticity

There's a lot of work emerging about the 'new' domesticity, but it's something that's not easily grasped or defined. It seems to center on women (mostly) embracing their roles as mothers and homemakers (generally on blogs, which begs the question of the other mothers who maybe don't get all confessional or performative about it), with a smattering of dads-discovering-children-and-home on the side. As Geek Chef writes, there's a heavily nostalgic bent to the whole enterprise, and it seems to me that it's this nostalgia that gets in the way of thinking of a new kind of domesticity. Geek Chef talks eloquently about the ways that labor-saving devices have transformed domesticity, and from there I wonder how domesticity can be rewritten for a new age? The argument over there is to embrace the complexities of crafting; but what happens to those of us who are not particularly crafty? Who don't love to cook, take pictures, refinish furniture, spend all of our waking hours besotted with our kids, etc.?

I mean, here we have an incredibly overeducated class of people - both women and men - whose life paths have led them to the home, rather than an office or classroom. The question then, for me, is what do you do with all that education?

Given the general (and increasing) unsustainability of universities as sites of actual higher education (as opposed to job training factories, at which they pretty much fail, but that's a rant for another day), I wonder if the new domesticity is elastic enough to encompass a growing field of independent scholars and researchers? Well, actually, that's a dumb question; the real question is, is academia elastic enough to encompass these people? Can we participate in the 'legitimate' avenues of academic expression (journals, conferences, books), or is a whole new model of scholarly pursuit necessary?

I'm blathering and it's early on a Sunday...

Forward Momentum

You know, since this is a totally anonymous blog, this is kind of the first time I've ever blogged just for my own self-edification. It's not bad...I've never quite gotten the blogging-as-therapy thing until now. It's pretty useful for sorting things through in a relatively safe place.

Anyway, I went ahead and threw a proposal for an essay to a journal editor. It's not in response to a CFP, but one that I'm interested in doing if they're up for it (it's for a response to an earlier essay they published in my field). In retrospect, I probably should have sent a proper abstract rather than a chatty email, but them's the breaks. All I know is that any forward motion is a good thing at this point; beats the hell out of my usual stagnation.

Anger Management

As in, "What's something I need to spend more time and energy on?"

I find myself irrationally angry with my husband the better part of the time. In general, it's not really his fault; I mean, he can be frustrating as all hell (as can I, so he certainly doesn't have that particular problem cornered), but I think the problems lie more with me and my general state of mind. I'm always feeling torn between things: work (or lack thereof)/home, self/family, home country/overseas (I've lived, in total, 16 of my 44 years outside this country, many of which were while I was growing up). I feel so transitional, and that's a state I really loathe. The SAHM thing isn't coming naturally to me, and, truth be told, I've never, ever been very comfortable with small children. I love them when they're old enough to talk with, but the very little ones who have no self control whatsoever are such a challenge.

Which isn't to say I don't wish I were more home-oriented and domestic. God knows I'm a sucker for all things Martha Stewart; her particular brand of perfectionism really appeals to the my inner OCD self. But my interest in keeping a homey, cosy household tends to begin and end with pretty pictures in books or online. I'd like to say it's just because I'm, you know, all transitional and stuff and am having a hard time committing to any one course of action, but I think that it's probably more that I'm just not very domestic.

I need to remember...

there's always the volunteer translation thing to keep me going if nothing else materializes. As my husband is resigned happy to be our sole source of income, money is less of an issue than achieving some sense that I'm doing something useful and worthwhile, that - ideally - makes use of the things I've done up to this point.

Existential Angst

Last night, while indulging in my nightly bout of existential angst, I demanded that my husband tell me what should come next. In the midst of unreasonable expectations (take care of the kids, take care of the husband) (/jk), he said one good thing: that my job right now is to apply for things. While there are only so many things to apply for right now, it's absolutely true that there are things I can and should be doing to make my (future) applications as strong as possible.

To wit:

Academic

• draft a teaching statement
• draft a customizable cover letter
• prepare 2-3 sample syllabi for classes I can teach
• revise and submit essays for publication
• make sure I have two more recommendations in my dossier (both are tentatively ok'd; one is awaiting some material that I need to send, and the other is awaiting a break in the schedule of the recommender. I already have one sitting in my file, waiting to go out and greet the world)
  

and

Non-academic

• draft a couple more 'professional' resumes
• draft a couple of customizable cover letters
• improve proficiency in my main selling point

So, it's not like I lack for things to do. I think I just need to tackle this list as systematically as possible with a 3 year-old underfoot. At least it would give me something to do when the angst starts creeping back in at the end of the day.

Email wasteland

Or something like that. By which I just mean that I'm waiting to hear from two different places about two completely different things, and neither email is, as yet, forthcoming. I've done my part on both ends, the clock is ticking, and I'm getting increasingly annoyed that things are being slowed down because other people can't get their acts together.

On the writing front, absolutely jack squat has been happening. Instead of taking advantage of #2's 'camp' to get writing done, I've been using it for: day 1 - cleaning the house, which looked more like tornado aftermath than humble abode; day 2 - cleaning and, admittedly, decompressing; day 3 - Dr.'s appointment for both kids. Some of it is just reluctance to walk back into my office and try to write, but some of it is that the SAHM thing is starting to take over my life. If it were going to be that way in perpetuity - that is, if I were going to be the SAHM of two small children forever - I might try to make my peace with it and let go of everything else. But in two more years #2 will be starting kindergarten and I will have many, many more hours of the day left to fill. It would be nice if I could fill them with something that brings in some money.

I actually did put in an application for a fed job the other day, but since it's a popular agency with, I'm guessing, comparatively low demand for my particular skill set, I'm doubtful that I'll hear back within their estimated 45-day period. My Dad is of the opinion that I will, so we bet a steak dinner (him) to my Korean BBQ dinner that this will/won't come to pass. I figure, if I'm going to be jobless I might as well get a steak out of it.

Apparently, Google CEO Eric Schmidt has been going around talking about the value of Humanities graduates. Funny, I don't see many Google job postings for same.